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feathered femme fatale
Saturday, 28 June 2003
Eldest Aunt's Garden

Eldest Aunt has a new addition to her backyard; it's a small labyrinth she built. It took her a long time to make. She has instructed me to walk through it whenever I feel upset. I don't know how much it will help, but I'm willing to try anything. Female Cousin's friend (whom I will refer to from now on as Jappish) is on my mind again. I wonder if she will grow to like me.

I met a young boy named Zachary and his mother Lisa on the train ride down to Eldest Aunt's house. Zach loved video games as much as I did, and we even played each other's Game Boy Advance Games. I got my first taste of Pokemon Ruby. Man, the names of those new Pokemon are freakin' strange. Zigzagoon? Poochyena? Come on, I'd prefer the Japanese names over that gobbeldygook.

I've always wanted to create my own Pokemon-type creatures, but it's a lot harder than it looks, especially coming up with my own story for them. I have tried to gain inspiration by playing NeoPets (I have multiple accounts there that I am currently neglecting), but to no avail. Man, how can I possibly come up with creatures as cool as Pokemon, anyway? They're all so clever in their design. I can't stand Digimon; they all look like they're copies of one another, changed only slightly. Waah, I hate and detest having lack of inspiration. It grates on my nerves like you wouldn't believe, and it's sorely frustrating.

Eldest Aunt is cooing over her gift from Mom - three pairs of homemade earrings. It's my Mom's hobby. She sometimes sells them for money. It's also one of the few things that actually makes her seem feminine to me. (shrugs) I don't know, Mom just seems too tough at times, too busy, too angry. She's not ill-tempered, tho... not usually, anyway. She just always needs a reason to be doing something or to show her strength against opposition. But she also is a very charitable person - she helps our elderly neighbors, she gives away clothes to clothing drives held by the local church, plus many other things I can't name right now. I miss her already... I'm already homesick. :(

Posted by doubleoduck at 6:52 PM EDT
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Awkward at Eldest Aunt's

I'm at Eldest Aunt's house right now. She's being very flexible with my usage of the computer, which I am very thankful for. However, I must sit at an angle in front of the computer, which makes it hard to type. I'm also having quite a time typing with her keyboard... Ah, the little challenges life presents can seem so much bigger under pressure.

Female Cousin's dog, Bay, is chewing on his bone. His scent and hairs are all over the house. He's gone blind recently, so I feel sorry for him. But he's a very playful and often too eager of a scoundrel for me to feel TOO sorry for him. Don't get me wrong, I love Bay. He's a part of my family. But his hairs are making me itch.

Eldest Aunt's parakeet is making too much noise, as usual. There used to be two birds, but one died of a heart attack. This remaining bird makes more than enough noise to make up for his lack of company.

With Female Cousin at a sports festival in Korea, things will be a bit lonely around here. I can't wait to meet her friend again. I need the company of peers for once in my life.


Posted by doubleoduck at 4:58 PM EDT
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Awkward at Eldest Aunt's

I'm at Eldest Aunt's house right now. She's being very flexible with my usage of the computer, which I am very thankful for. However, I must sit at an angle in front of the computer, which makes it hard to type. I'm also having quite a time typing with her keyboard... Ah, the little challenges life presents can seem so much bigger under pressure.

Female Cousin's dog, Bay, is chewing on his bone. His scent and hairs are all over the house. He's gone blind recently, so I feel sorry for him. But he's a very playful and often too eager of a scoundrel for me to feel TOO sorry for him. Don't get me wrong, I love Bay. He's a part of my family. But his hairs are making me itch.

Eldest Aunt's parakeet is making too much noise, as usual. There used to be two birds, but one died of a heart attack. This remaining bird makes more than enough noise to make up for his lack of company.

With Female Cousin at a sports festival in Korea, things will be a bit lonely around here. I can't wait to meet her friend again. I need the company of peers for once in my life.


Posted by doubleoduck at 4:07 PM EDT
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Friday, 27 June 2003
College, Ren and Stimpy, and Eldest Aunt's

I've been very busy lately, so I haven't been able to post these past few days. Meh... anyway, on Tuesday I was at my second day of orientation at Hunter college. I successfully signed up for a block in the "Mind Matters" program. I picked this particular block because (A) I'm interested in becoming a child psychologist, and (B) I don't have to take statistics the first semester. I basically screwed up my math placement exam, so I'll have to take classes to catch up on intermediate algebra, trignometry, and pre-calculus. Math has always been my enemy in school. I hate it, and it hates me. Mom thinks the reason I don't do well in math is because Dad used to twist my arm (sometimes literally) when I didn't do my work correctly. I don't know if I agree with this. Dad got on my case all the time with homework, mainly because in first grade I developed a habit of skipping it all. I remember how good it felt just to lay around and watch TV. Why did I do it in the first place, though? Well, it wasn't easy growing up in such a hostile environment as Dad's apartment. I needed to relax, I guess. But after a few days of dealing with me, not only did Dad get me to break my habit, but I ended up doing extra work every night, even against the orders of my teacher, Ms. Landresina. I was that afraid of incurring Dad's wrath.

My day at Hunter basically involved a tour around the school in different groups. I got separated from my group at one point because I was told to go to a certain room number, and I went to that number... but it took me twenty minutes to realize I was in the wrong building. During that time, I had a medium panic attack. I was short of breath, I was crying, angry, and I felt so scared and helpless. Finally, I managed to find my way out of the building, and I headed towards the right building. After a light lunch alone (rather than with my group), I was reunited with my group thanks to the efforts of a worker / student named Bertha, who appeared to be Hispanic. She was very kind and helpful, and I thank her for this. She was the one who helped me sign up for my block.

I went to an information table, too. I was too afraid to go to the others available, but this group seemed like they could help me with my college experience. They represented a Hunter program for the physically, mentally, and emotionally disabled. If they read over a report from my psychiatrist, they might be able to give me certain benefits to help me in my studies. Having depression and anxiety disorder puts a moderate limit on my learning capabilities, despite my above average intelligence. That is the actual report of my last official IQ test. Aside from that, I have a fear of asking people for help when I need it. I'll need as much help as I can get, now.

On Wednesday, Mom purchased Wario World for Gamecube for me. It's weird and confusing, but it's a lot of fun. It's also pretty addictive. Wario's a funny, greedy, egotistical little blastard... I wouldn't have it any other way. :) For some reason, I was possessed to draw his fat @$$ naked. (I normally wouldn't insult fat people, especially since I myself am overweight, but this guy is 308 lbs.!) Seriously, I drew Wario naked, and without a fig leaf. You can see everything down there just below his oversized gut. Don't ask me why I did it. Maybe I get a kick out of drawing naked men, even if they're fictional. It was really out of hormones and curiousity, if you want to know the truth. To make things fair, I also drew one of Wario's enemies naked: Captain Syrup, the female pirate. She has a nice body, but for some reason, she reminded me of Disney's Princess Jasmine from "Aladdin" (which, sadly, used to be a favorite movie of mine in my younger days... I was such an impressionable youth). She also has a tattoo on her left hip of an anchor. ;)

I watched the premiere of the Ren and Stimpy Adult Party Cartoon on TNN last night. The first episode is titled "Onwards and Upwards." Ren and Stimpy are living in a bum's mouth, which drives Ren crazy. Stimpy's savings of five bucks enables them to move uptown into a bar spitoon, where they act all posh and live "the high life." They go through an elaborate dinner, consisting of pea soup (later thickened by mucus and blood), a giant booger, and whipped potatoes with chunky vomit gravy. After an appearance by Dr. Stupid, who explains the difference between boogers and goobers (WTH is a goober, anyway?), the twosome take a bath.

Stimpy washes Ren's hair with all-natural Farmer's Hanky shampoo, which is really snot. Stimpy rubs the stuff vigourously into Ren's scalp, and even gives him a few love whacks to the head, which Ren loves. (Heh, he likes it rough! >;) A lot of people complain about the gayness of this episode, like when the two take a romp under the sheets during a game of baseball in the bedroom, or when Stimpy begs Ren to fufill his "needs" for a goodnight kiss. I for one love gay humor. I like the idea of the two being gay, and I love yaoi and yuri (especially yaoi) and all that stuff. As for real life, I respect gay people highly. I just don't like it when they rub it into my face about their sexual preferences, or if they have bad attitude problems due to their sexual preferences. Another thing people are complaining about is the grossness factor of this new episode. I liked the grossness, in a way. I mean, that's what R & S are about! I thought it fit so well having Ren make Stimpy kiss a rat's puckered @$$, since now this is an adult program. Plus I LdMAO watching it. I admit being turned off by Stimpy eating the booger, and Ren pouring the "gravy" on the potatoes, but not all gross humor is tolerable. Otherwise, it wouldn't be gross, would it?!

I'm off to Eldest Aunt's tomorrow on a train. I'm scared. I have to do chores down there aside from my job with the AIDS thing. And Female Cousin won't be there. Plus, Eldest Aunt will be going away for a few days. And then I'll be left alone in the house for two days. To top it all off, I don't know when I'm coming home, or if I'll even be paid for my work. There's a fifty-fifty chance... I want money, darn it! >:( Oh well... if I don't get it, at least I can play Wario World when I get home to my heart's content to make up for it, and watch all the recorded R & S episodes I've missed. Ah, the rich, rich rewards...


Posted by doubleoduck at 11:41 AM EDT
Updated: Saturday, 28 June 2003 6:57 PM EDT
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Tuesday, 24 June 2003
Are multiple entries in the same day allowed?

Meh, who the hell cares? It's my blog, I'll do what I want. Anyway... I've read my first entry over and over... and I've realized that I'm being a total jerk to my sisters. But I won't change my attitude towards Dad and Stepmom. Just because I'm scared of them, though, doesn't mean I should hurt my sisters in the process. I'm going away this Saturday to my Eldest Aunt's house, so I'll send them a letter from there.

I'm joining a AIDS awareness volunteer program, BTW. That's why I'm off to Eldest Aunt's. Her daughter (my Female Cousin) has a friend whose mother is in charge of it. My Female Cousin's friend is half Irish (from her mom), and half Japanese (from her dad). That's quite a combination! I've met Female Cousin's friend before, and forgive my being poetic, but she's a rare jewel, indeed. Then again, so is Female Cousin. Her father is my Norweigian Uncle. I think Female Cousin is a lot prettier than I am, to be honest. She's half Norweigian, and what am I? A mutt. Both sides of my family come from many different places, including but not limited to: Russia, Germany, former Czechslovakia, France, Scotland... I can't think of any more. There are a LOT more, trust me.

You know what I don't like? The fact that many people consider being Jewish to be only a religion. That is far from the truth. It's a whole frickin' culture! Yes, I happen to have Jewish blood... from my father's side, so I wouldn't be considered a real Jew. Plus I don't go to a synagogue. But I still consider myself to be Jewish, mainly because I respect those people so highly. Jews are the most oppressed and pushed around people in history, ever since Ancient Egypt, and even before that!! And yet, we're still here. I only have one thing against the Jewish faith, though... the whole bloodline through the mother thing. It was because of that rule that my Twin Sister (hereafter referred to as Lena) couldn't be buried in a Jewish cemetary. They did, however, plant a tree in their honor for "Cousin Lena." I have yet to visit this tree. I haven't visited Lena's gravesite in a long while, either.

There used to be a florist nearby the graveyard where Lena was buried. It's gone now, long replaced by houses. But I still remember it. Mom and I used to go there all the time to get Lena some carnations and baby's breath. (Kind of ironic... reminds me of Carnation baby formula, and the fact that Lena lost her baby's breath that she discontinued living.) Yeesh, now I'm starting to get morbid here. I'm reminding myself of Edward Gorey's "Gashlycrumb Tinies" and Lemony Snicket's "A Series of Unfortunate Events," both of which I happen to own and love.

Here's the text from The Gashlycrumb Tinies by Edward Gorey, otherwise titled, "After the Outing." Though you really ought to buy the book, as it has morbidly amusing illustrations that will tickle your funny bone (not to mention any hidden sadistic tendencies, bwahahaha).

A is for Amy who fell down the stairs
B is for Basil assaulted by bears
C is for Clara who wasted away
D is for Desmond thrown out of a sleigh
E is for Ernest who choked on a peach
F is for Fanny sucked dry by a leech
G is for George smothered under a rug
H is for Hector done in by a thug
I is for Ida who drowned in a lake
J is for James who took lye by mistake
K is for Kate who was struck with an axe
L is for Leo who swallowed some tacks
M is for Maud who was swept out to sea
N is for Neville who died of ennui
O is for Olive run through with an awl
P is for Prue trampled flat in a brawl
Q is for Quentin who sank in a mire
R is for Rhoda consumed by a fire
S is for Susan who perished of fits
T is for Titus who flew into bits
U is for Una who slipped down a drain
V is for Victor squashed under a train
W is for Winnie embedded in ice
X is for Xerxes devoured by mice
Y is for Yorick whose head was knocked in
Z is for Zillah who drank too much gin

"Gorey" is an appropriate name for the this guy, apparently.


Posted by doubleoduck at 9:10 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2003 9:17 PM EDT
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A little about me
(The following profile template was based on one from the Character Corner forum at greatwarriors.net, the website of artist / author Tracy Pierce and her friend Darrin Breault.)

Name: Melissa E.M.
Title (if applicable): Evil Mastermind, Lover of Cartoon Characters to the Point of Obsession and / or Perversion.
Age: 18 years and five days old.
Species: Human, but if I could be anthropomorphic animal instead, I'd be a duck, a cat, or a dog.
Birthday: June 19, 1985
Sign: Sun - Gemini, Moon - Cancer
Height: 5'3"
Weight: 186 lbs.
Hair: Brown and curly.
Eyes: Brown.
Home: New York, USA
Normal Attire: T-shirt and blue jeans.
Overall Appearance: Overweight, but very pretty (or so I'd like to think).
Nickname(s): Melissa Mario Sister
Love Interest: N/A
Marital Status: Single, but not looking just yet.
Family: Mom, Stepfather, two stepbrothers, Dad, Stepmother, three half-sisters, one set of grandparents, a mess of uncles, a few aunts, and six cousins.
Friends: Not many in RL.
Enemies: None at the moment.
Likes: People with a sense of humor, creativity, an open mind, or any combination of the three; horror and animation flicks; cartoons; ducks; philosophy; psychology.
Dislikes: People who are too serious or aren't serious enough; people who like abusing me on a regular basis; people who ignore me or my needs; people who think I don't have a heart; people with no imagination; racism and prejudice; people who aren't good conversationalists.
Hobbies/Pastimes: Surfing the Internet, working on my websites, watching and overanalyzing cartoons, drawing, writing, typing, playing and overanalyzing video games, eating, cooking, trying new things, having fun with life.
Special Abilities: May possess minor psychic abilties. (Call me crazy, but it's true.)
Lover or Fighter?: A little of both-- I fight for love, and at times, I love to fight.
Temper: Pretty bad; I'm irritated easily.
Themesong(s): "Dancing Queen" by ABBA.
Favorite Food: Pasta, soup, pizza, cake, ice-cream, skirt steak, mashed potatoes, ramen noodles, seafood, cinnamon pancakes, soft-baked chocolate chip cookies, chocolate milk, Hershey's Cookies and Cream Milkshakes, dark chocolate, Mounds and Almond Joy bars, marshmallows.
Music: Classic Rock.
Color(s): Red, Blue, Green, Purple.
Flower: Rose.
Animals: Ducks, cats, dogs.
Personality: I'm like two people in one-- one side of me is a naive, bratty, loving child; the other side is a lonely adult of above-average intelligence who's frightened of her own shadow.
What makes you like this?: Maybe it's because I'm a Gemini... and I used to have a twin sister. She died of SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome) at three months old. I think her spirit is still present and has an influence on me... creepy. O_o
Quotes: "Whatever."
"'Allo!"
"Shut up!"
"Leave me alone!"
"Eee. EEE!"
"Yesh."
"Yeesh!"
"I'm sorry!"
Anything else?: I hope you'll grow to like me. I'm not really as bad as I look... :(

Posted by doubleoduck at 2:10 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2003 9:14 PM EDT
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First entry ever, and hopefully not the last

I've tried before to create blogs, with little success. Hopefully, this will turn out to be the blog for me.

Let's see, where to begin... I just turned eighteen (June 19th being my birthday), and only days before that I broke up with my boyfriend. We had been dating for over a month, and we had been through a lot in such short time. He works for the UN, so he was always very busy. But it got to a point where he just wouldn't contact me at all. I think that he thinks I did something wrong to him... he was kind of shaken up from his last girlfriend, who turned out to be the exact opposite of what she said she was. He became somewhat paranoid after that. He once thought, after we started dating, that I had reposted my personals ad without his knowledge, simply because the girl looked a whole lot like me. I can't begin to tell you how upset I was that he didn't trust me. But when he stopped contacting me, I started not to trust him.

Finally, I managed to catch him on AIM. Every time I typed, he would start to type, but then he'd end up saying nothing. I eventually got really pissed off and told him I was breaking up with him. I demanded that he speak to me, but he just sat there. Finally, I told him off and got off AIM. Then I called him on his cell phone, left a rather angry message, and threw away his number in the trash.

I admit that I didn't handle things in a mature manner at all. But I had every right to be upset since I didn't know what the heck was going on. The guy promised me a future with him, and he cowarded out. I wasn't necessarily looking for a guy who wanted to get married and have kids, but I was interested in a guy who wanted those things in the future... and he promised me those things... I should have seen that as a red flag from the beginning. Actually, I saw a few red flags with him, and I didn't want to admit it, because he seemed to be so in love with me that I couldn't help but love him back. Of course, I loved him for many other things, too. But the main reason I loved him was because he was one of the few people who loved me for everything I was. I doubt I'll find another person like that, but I'll keep hoping. The fact is, his lifestyle (i.e., his job) inhibited his ability to uphold a healthy relationship with me. In other words, I don't think he was ready for a girlfriend.

I don't get along with my father, either. Dad used to hit me and yell at me when I was a kid, when I was still living with him. Shortly after he had divorced my mother, he remarried to my current stepmother. My relationship with the two have them has been extremely rocky, even after I moved in with my mother at age eight. I admit that I am still angry with Dad for what he did, but I am even more so with the way he continues to hurt me-- he never calls, or writes... he doesn't seem to be interested in my life at all. Then he turns around and yells at us that he does happen to care, and nobody wants to tell him what's going on. He's actually sort of right about that. With his temperament, who the hell wants to deal with him?! He's happy one minute, and a raging bull the next. Plus, he's been using my half-sisters, his daughters with my stepmom, as bargaining chips in my relationship with them. "Be nice to them," he says, "and I'll be nice to you."

What the hell does he mean, "be nice?!" I AM nice! Though I have to admit, I've been pretty bad about not contacting my half-sisters. I don't even send them cards for their birthdays. That's what my Dad means, actually. I don't even know when their birthdays are. Truth be told, I'm a pathetic older sister. I'm not very close to them anyway, because they have mental problems-- autism, I believe-- and I feel I'll never understand them, nor them me. I love them, but I have so many personal problems on my plate right now that I simply cannot accept Dad or them or their mother as a part of my life right now, especially since they're all so difficult to deal with.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for myself so I don't keep in touch with my sisters. Well... maybe I am, really. But I'm not lying about my feelings. I'd love to be a better sister, and I want to try. But there's a part of me that says, "Don't bother. Their parents hate you, anyway. They hate the fact that you wish they would change. If they don't want to change, why should you change?" But even then I know that taking on that attitude is only hurting my sisters. God, I want to do the right thing, but at this point I have no f*****g idea what that is.


Posted by doubleoduck at 1:17 PM EDT
Updated: Tuesday, 24 June 2003 1:20 PM EDT
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