I've tried before to create blogs, with little success. Hopefully, this will turn out to be the blog for me.
Let's see, where to begin... I just turned eighteen (June 19th being my birthday), and only days before that I broke up with my boyfriend. We had been dating for over a month, and we had been through a lot in such short time. He works for the UN, so he was always very busy. But it got to a point where he just wouldn't contact me at all. I think that he thinks I did something wrong to him... he was kind of shaken up from his last girlfriend, who turned out to be the exact opposite of what she said she was. He became somewhat paranoid after that. He once thought, after we started dating, that I had reposted my personals ad without his knowledge, simply because the girl looked a whole lot like me. I can't begin to tell you how upset I was that he didn't trust me. But when he stopped contacting me, I started not to trust him.
Finally, I managed to catch him on AIM. Every time I typed, he would start to type, but then he'd end up saying nothing. I eventually got really pissed off and told him I was breaking up with him. I demanded that he speak to me, but he just sat there. Finally, I told him off and got off AIM. Then I called him on his cell phone, left a rather angry message, and threw away his number in the trash.
I admit that I didn't handle things in a mature manner at all. But I had every right to be upset since I didn't know what the heck was going on. The guy promised me a future with him, and he cowarded out. I wasn't necessarily looking for a guy who wanted to get married and have kids, but I was interested in a guy who wanted those things in the future... and he promised me those things... I should have seen that as a red flag from the beginning. Actually, I saw a few red flags with him, and I didn't want to admit it, because he seemed to be so in love with me that I couldn't help but love him back. Of course, I loved him for many other things, too. But the main reason I loved him was because he was one of the few people who loved me for everything I was. I doubt I'll find another person like that, but I'll keep hoping. The fact is, his lifestyle (i.e., his job) inhibited his ability to uphold a healthy relationship with me. In other words, I don't think he was ready for a girlfriend.
I don't get along with my father, either. Dad used to hit me and yell at me when I was a kid, when I was still living with him. Shortly after he had divorced my mother, he remarried to my current stepmother. My relationship with the two have them has been extremely rocky, even after I moved in with my mother at age eight. I admit that I am still angry with Dad for what he did, but I am even more so with the way he continues to hurt me-- he never calls, or writes... he doesn't seem to be interested in my life at all. Then he turns around and yells at us that he does happen to care, and nobody wants to tell him what's going on. He's actually sort of right about that. With his temperament, who the hell wants to deal with him?! He's happy one minute, and a raging bull the next. Plus, he's been using my half-sisters, his daughters with my stepmom, as bargaining chips in my relationship with them. "Be nice to them," he says, "and I'll be nice to you."
What the hell does he mean, "be nice?!" I AM nice! Though I have to admit, I've been pretty bad about not contacting my half-sisters. I don't even send them cards for their birthdays. That's what my Dad means, actually. I don't even know when their birthdays are. Truth be told, I'm a pathetic older sister. I'm not very close to them anyway, because they have mental problems-- autism, I believe-- and I feel I'll never understand them, nor them me. I love them, but I have so many personal problems on my plate right now that I simply cannot accept Dad or them or their mother as a part of my life right now, especially since they're all so difficult to deal with.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not making excuses for myself so I don't keep in touch with my sisters. Well... maybe I am, really. But I'm not lying about my feelings. I'd love to be a better sister, and I want to try. But there's a part of me that says, "Don't bother. Their parents hate you, anyway. They hate the fact that you wish they would change. If they don't want to change, why should you change?" But even then I know that taking on that attitude is only hurting my sisters. God, I want to do the right thing, but at this point I have no f*****g idea what that is.
