I wish I could change that mood for the sake of you readers out there, but my life's been sh*t lately. I'm eating like an absolute pig every morning, plus I've been slacking off when I've got midterms... I'm creating my own personal hell.
I know I have more than enough ability to stop it. But... how?
I feel like I'm gonna puke.
Well, it was probably bound to happen. Because of my previous behavior is Salzman's class, he wanted me dismissed. Fortunately, I've already withdrawn from his class yesterday. A "W" on my record doesn't count against me, but I might be spending more time in college than I originally planned so I can make up for my history class.
I realize what I did was wrong. When I found out that Salzman didn't want me in his class, my feelings were hurt. I don't have the patience for him anymore, anyway. And I don't like him. Good riddance to bad rubbish!
Am I wrong in saying that? Maybe, but at least I'm being honest.
I have almost no material to update Flapping Terror at this time, and it bothers me. I'll take care of my homework and think about the site later, I guess.
I started an account at deviantART, under the username ~melissaduck a few days ago. I have some art up, tho most of it is crap so far. Woo.
For the second time in a row, I was forced to leave my History class early. The first time, it was because I felt anxious. This time, I had crumpled up the quiz paper I was supposed to hand in. I did it because I didn't know any of the answers. My teacher made a comment about my latest absences, so I left the class and told him "Freak you!" as I left.
Professor Jack Salzman is a total dick. I never want to go back to school again, except I'll be running away from a chance at a future. I'm always running away from everything. Why do I make so many excuses? Why am I such a coward? I want to die.
*cue phonecall with Mother*
*cue waterworks*
I often find myself having dreams about the Fearsome Five (from Darkwing Duck). In January, I had a dream about Negaduck...
I was in Saint Canard, somewhere close to Audubon Bay bridge, and I had a beautiful view of it. (It might have been near Megavolt's lighthouse.) I suddenly find a newspaper on the ground and pick it up. There is an article on a side column, on the front page, about a duck who went psycho five years ago, and there was even a photo of him. He had a mask, and with his expression he looked remarkably like Negaduck! (For some strange reason, he had dark hair.) I put the newspaper down to see Negs himself, with Quackerjack and Megavolt. Negs confirmed to me that he was the guy in the picture. He had gone "looney" before he hit the streets as a criminal. But that doesn't explain the whole Negaverse thing, as I realized later.
Last week, I had a dream about Liquidator...
I was in a strange shop with my Dad, Stepmother, and my two younger sisters. I was looking through t-shirts and old newspapers they were selling. The newspapers seemed to have cartoon drawings on every page, and the t-shirts had cartoons on them as well. The drawings in the papers and the t-shirts had gay sexual themes, often explicit. (Many of the t-shirts had Ninja Turtles on them, O_o) I was flipping thru the newspapers, and I saw what would be best described as a "classic" version of Licky. He was a 40's style cartoon dog who lived underwater. In the pictures he was in, he was "servicing" other male characters, in groups.
I had a dream last night about Megavolt, too...
Megavolt travels to another dimension to discover that his other-dimensional self is a corporate head who is worshipped like a god - so much so, in fact, that several national monuments and landmarks honoring others had been torn down or damaged, most notably, Mount Rushmore. For some reason, this upsets Megavolt greatly, and he sobs while curled up in a fetal position. Suddenly, he is greeted by another version of himself from a slightly different dimension. This version of himself is very cheerful, often speaking in a higher-pitched voice, and for some reason he's wearing a thin red line of lipstick. "Happy" Megavolt cheers our Megsy up and helps him find the Megavolt of the dimension they're currently in. They find him rather quickly... and I don't know what happens after that. I don't even know if any issues presented had been resolved. All I know is that our Megsy eventually went home, waving goodbye to both of his other selves.
I don't remember when I had this dream about Bushroot, but...
This one was particularly nasty. Bushy wasn't a mutant in this one... actually, he was mid-mutant. He looked like his "normal" self with the purple petals on his head from his "mutant" self. For some reason, Darkwing and Gosalyn had arrived at Bushroot's greenhouse, and Bushroot was... do forgive me for this... giddily masturbating to girly magazines, right in front of them. Darkwing had to cover poor Gosalyn's eyes... O_o;
As to any dreams with Quackerjack, I remember having dreams where he appeared on magazine covers, and as a talking doll, and he might have appeared as a wooden decoration at some Disney thing... but that's all I can remember, aside from his appearance in my Negaduck dream. I do know that he's the Fearsome Five member I dream about the most.
Wanna hear a different dream I had? I saw Webbigail Vanderquack (from DuckTales) and... get ready for this... her MOTHER! They were at Disney World, or something that resembled it... if anything it was a very twisted version of a Disney theme park. They even had a rave spot there where if you went, you had to wear razor blades to protect yourself from harmful people.
But back to Webby's mother. She looked like a regular duck (and I mean a Donald Duck-style body when I say that) with long black hair, wearing sunglasses, and she had a dressy brown coat on over her equally dressy outfit. Her clothing style reminded me of my own mother somewhat... but I'm definitely sure that this was Webby's mother in my dream.
My dreams are ka-way-zee!
I'm so goddamn upset right now you have no idea. I want to cut someone's throat open and watch them bleed to death. I want to crush someone's skull with a sledgehammer and step in their brain matter. And the weird f***ing part is that I have no idea why.
Okay, I got my two metal squares removed from my mouth. I'm getting lamninates for my teeth because they're so damn tiny. They look like baby teeth.
I swear I feel like Negaduck today. I want to rip someone's heart out and ground it into pate'. I want to rip out someone's spine and use it as a back scratcher. I want to tear out someone's small intestine and use it as a jumprope, then use it to hang the person by their neck.
Back to another anger distraction: I am having trouble at school emotional-wise, and it's interfering with my work. I'd rather die than drop out or fail a class, though.
I want to KILL someone. AAAAAARRRRGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!
I got my teeth cleaned weeks earlier and saw the dentist do yoga with one of his assistants on the floor of the waiting room. I just tried to draw and ignored the weirdness.
I'm listening to ACDC right now. How appropriate. First "Hell's Bells," then "Highway to Hell," "Money Talks," "Stiff Upper Lip," "Thunderstruck," and "TNT." "Highway to Hell," "Money Talks," and Thunderstruck" are three of my favorites. I wonder if Negaduck would like ACDC.
I'm on the highway to hell
Highway to hell
I'm on the highway to hell
Highway to hell...
Now that I think about it... "TNT" would be great for Negaduck or Quackerjack. They love blowing things up. More so for Negsy, though. "Money Talks" would be Liquidator's favorite. "Thunderstruck" obviously for Megavolt.
Maybe I should start a song section at Flapping Terror...
Nobody's joining my Bushroot contest at Flapping Terror, save for two or three people. I announced it two days ago. People can't read... I said they don't have to draw, that they could write instead, and they don't read the rules thoroughly. Maybe I should redesign the page so people get the message more clearly. Or bang my head against the keyboard because I'm so frustrated.
*uyh7jui78789ui78u7876yuuyhu76yuuiiui*
I feel sorta better now, but now my head hurts. Damn it... >_<
I'm going f***ing crazy.
Well, I left Dad a message yesterday that something had happened to meon Wednesday, but I wasn't specific about it. He wasn't sure who I wanted to talk to, so Eldest Sister called me to check on me and say hello. I told her what happened, and she told Dad later.
Eldest Sister is 22 and currently divorced. Guess what happened to her ex-husband? (A) He's a bus driver now, and (B) He just came out of the closet. Yes, my ex-brother-in-law is gay. I would have never guessed! He even has a boyfriend now! Don't get me wrong, I have the utmost respect for gay people. I even enjoy yaoi. But I was laughing my @$$ off for ten minutes straight when Eldest Sister told me this. She says she's gonna write a book: "My Life and My Gay Ex-Husband." Seriously, her life is a weird one. It would make an entertaining piece of literature, methinks.
Anyway, Dad and I have been exchanging e-mails since yesterday. I've decided he's not going to change his ways, and that I'm wasting my time concentrating on all the bad stuff he did, no matter how much those things affected me. If I concentrate on developing a better relationship with him now, things would be a lot better between us. I'm apprehensive about dealing with Stepmother, though. I'm still angry at her. Hopefully, that will change when my relationship with Dad grows better.
I was in the hospital two days ago.
I had gone to school on my day off (Wednesday) in order to complete a research lab I signed up for. I caught a late bus, and when I realized I was going to be late, I started crying. The bus driver and a woman tried to help me calm down, but the bus driver was doing more harm than good with his well-meant comments. I must have reacted in some way to this, because when he let the woman off, he made a joke to her about crying. I asked him why he had to say that, and he said, "Well, I wouldn't have if you hadn't been so rude when we were trying to help you." I know I was certainly NOT rude. I might have raised my voice a bit from frustration, but I was not intentionally being nasty. The fact that he so much as suggested that made me angry. I got off his bus in a huff and arrived ten minutes late at the school. I went to the right building, and the right floor, but when I went looking for the room for the lab, I realized that I had forgotten where it was. When some adults came by and asked me what was wrong, I started bawling. I was eventually guided to Student Services, where the Dean and one of my assigned counselours tried to help me. I was a completely emotional mess. I wouldn't stop crying. Finally, I consented to being taken to a hospital across town.
I did go home that night, but I haven't gone back to school this week since that incident. Mom and my stepfather are out of town for the next few days, so I'm home alone, trying to get over what happened. I'm not as upset as I was, but I'm still a bit apprehensive and depressed...
This is from Rudiger's personality quiz for Ren and Stimpy fans! I'm Ren, yay! He's my favorite. :)
I have more of a reason to be depressed now. Mom and Stepfather are fighting again. Mom thinks Stepfather was talking to a woman on the Internet or something, while Stepfather was actually talking to his brother. My Mom constantly goes on edge whenever she thinks Stepfather is cheating on her. It's really sick because he loves her too much to cheat, and no matter how many times he shows it, she gets pissed off, the two of them start cursing and yelling and driving me up the goddamn wall...
You know what, someone put a damn bullet through my brain, because I'm sick of this bullsh*t!!!
My mom came up to my door just now and knocked on it really loudly since my door is usually kept locked. She told me to open the door, but I get scared of her when she's angry. I told her I wouldn't open the door while she was angry and she stormed off. She's probably cursing Stepfather out again.
You know what? I f***ing hate my family. My mother's side is full of eccentrics, and my father's side is full of people with issues. Well, at least my father's immediate family has issues. I have yet to meet my dad's brother and his family. You know what, screw them too! They haven't see me since I was a goddamn baby, so screw them!!
Why the hell is my family so f***ing messed up, anyway?! What the bloody hell did I do in my former life to deserve this family???!!!
Crap and a half! It's been almost two weeks since my last entry! Well, school's been going alright, I guess. I haven't really made any friends, but I get along okay with other students. I've been a bit slacking in my schoolwork, too. I plan to amend that quickly. The sixteenth was my twin sister Lena's death day anniversary. I had an incident in English class because of it. Thankfully, I was outside the classroom when I broke down. I was sent to the student services office by Prof. Rosen, who was very helpful and kind. Unfortunately, because Prof. Rosen is also teaching my ORSEM (orientation seminar) class, the ORSEM counselor for my section wants to see me in her office on Monday.
Earlier this week, I took one two sedative pills before history class (they're prescribed by my psychiatrist) and I fell asleep several times. That's been cleared up, though... not much more to say... I feel very depressed for some reason... :(
