On Monday, I got into a horrible argument with Eldest Aunt... which led into physical violence... and I ended up biting her arm. I felt horrible for doing it only ten minutes later, when I was calming down in my room. Fortunately, I didn't break the skin, but I did bruise her. I still feel bad about it. She has forgiven me, though. She punished me with no TV or computer for one day. I know I deserved much, much worse punishment... if we were living in the 50's, she would have probably took out a belt and beat the living bejeezus outta me. But, my aunt isn't that kind of person. And we're living in the 21st century.
This isn't the first time I've acted so extreme. Maybe people love spoiling me, and that's why I don't get punished for things as severely as I ought to be. But I'd like to believe that God knows I'm trying to help my problems get solved and that I don't mean to react so badly. I was born with a chemical imbalance and I must deal with it. But why the hell does everyone else have to deal with it, too? Can you blame me for apologizing long after an event has happened, and calling myself stupid and terrible all the time? I seem to abuse myself a hell lot more than I do to other people.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not making myself look good by pointing all this out. At least, I hope that's not what I'm doing. Who doesn't have a chemical imbalance? It doesn't make me special. I have yet to meet one person who's "normal." The thing is, I'm highly spiritual and I take things to heart. In other words, my emotions are super-sensitive, making my reactions fierce and unintentionally dramatic. (I say unintentionally because a lot of people claim I'm a drama queen. I can assure you that all my emotions I convey are very much as powerful as they are expressed.) So if I see a gigantic cockroach on the floor, and I jump up onto a chair screaming, in a sense, I'm not overreacting. I actually do feel that way. I am very true in self-expression. That's why I'm so passionate about my artwork. That's why I blew up when those kids in ninth grade poured glue on one of my paintings... and demolished my paper mache' model I never got to finish because of their sadistic faggot-@$$es!! ... Ahem, sorry. Got carried away.
What got me angry with Auntie in the first place was that I thought she was mad at me for something, she told me it was nothing, and I didn't believe her. I allowed myself to get worked up over it, and things escalated to a point that shouldn't have come to pass. I have a hard time trusting others, even those I love the most, because of all the crap people have done to me. I almost always end up trusting the wrong people, and they hurt me badly. Let's see... my father used to beat me and yell at me when I was young, my stepmother gave me a fat lip in first grade, my older sister told my father a secret I trusted her not to tell that cost me any chances of having an actual loving relationship with my father, I've had people pretend to be my friend and then turn their backs on me with a vengeance, I've had people wreck my stuff and steal them or throw them away never to be recovered, I've been beaten up, I've had crap thrown at me, I've been laughed at, and I've been literally spit on.
Seriously, it's no wonder I have issues. If I have to go through this sh*t again in college, I swear I might kill myself. Okay, maybe not... I really don't know what I'd do, though.
There's a WAIT performance on Saturday. I hope I'll be able to make my final performance with them a good one. And I hope to patch things up with the other WAIT members for the way I've been acting with them. God give me strength, please...